Month 8, cycle day 4... Yeah, if you're following these random postings then you already know exactly what that means... ARGHHHH! BOOO HISSS BOOO!! Now that we've gotten that out of the way...
I'm having a teeny-tiny pity party for myself this evening. It's the darnest thing to have your body let you down month after month after month. SERIOUSLY! We've overcome a lot of obstacles to get here and now my ancient oves (as in ovaries (if there was any doubt)) aren't stepping up to the plate. BUSTERS!
Despite it all, when you stop and think about it -- and I just did -- "here" is actually not that bad. In fact, it's pretty friggin' awesome ["frawesome" - did I just invent a new word?!]. I mean, I'm married to a man who told me in 2004 that he was never getting married. I'm trying to conceive with a man who told me in that very same conversation in 2004 that he didn't want anymore kids and was having a vasectomy to ensure that.
HOLY MOLY! God is so good! I'm a firm believer in the notion that people can't change other people... but God can... and He worked that change of heart for little old me. So how could I waste time being discouraged??
WOW! It's amazing how a few thoughts translated into a few sentences can change your whole mood and outlook, you know?!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
"My name is D-Booth and I'm an addict"
This is where you would say: "Hi D-Booth"
One problem with trying to conceive a mini-me at this point in my life is that I'm OLD - at least in baby-making years. I'm 37 and a half (when did we become too old to use the half?!) and I've had a job for more than half of my life. Long story short, that means that I've been able to buy most of the [less expensive] things that I've wanted. Not having kids has afforded me the opportunity to splurge on myself every now and then. If/when Baby B comes along, I realize that will have to change... yet another thing that I'm not really sure that I'm ready to handle.
So let the record show that during the month of August I will not buy:
Yeah, so I have a problem... one of many, you might say. Anyway, I figured who better to come clean with than my nonexistent cyber pals.
One problem with trying to conceive a mini-me at this point in my life is that I'm OLD - at least in baby-making years. I'm 37 and a half (when did we become too old to use the half?!) and I've had a job for more than half of my life. Long story short, that means that I've been able to buy most of the [less expensive] things that I've wanted. Not having kids has afforded me the opportunity to splurge on myself every now and then. If/when Baby B comes along, I realize that will have to change... yet another thing that I'm not really sure that I'm ready to handle.
Shopping is my vice - especially a good sale - that's my thing. I LOVE finding an awesome sale and then being like, "I just got this awesome shirt on sale for $4.97 - isn't it cute?!" (that actually just happened to me last week). love, Love, LOVE to shop! But for the greater good - and in preparation of Baby B - I've decided to quit cold turkey... for ONE month, that is. We'll see how things go and make a judgement call from there.
So let the record show that during the month of August I will not buy:
- Clothes (up to and including underwear)
- Shoes
- Hats
- Jewelry
- Purses
- Perfumes
- New technologies (including any electronics and Wii games)
- Gifts for others
- Groceries
- Groupons and/or LivingSocial deals... or items gotten as a result of previously purchased Groupons/LivingSocial deals
- Items ruled an absolute necessity
- Books
Well, wish me luck. In an effort to keep myself honest, I'll be posting my successes - and failures - regularly. Gotta run, only 9 more shopping days 'til this thing takes affect!
** Note: You can follow my efforts to curb my love of shopping by clicking on the page entitled "Operation 'Stop Shop!'" right below the blog title **
** Note: You can follow my efforts to curb my love of shopping by clicking on the page entitled "Operation 'Stop Shop!'" right below the blog title **
Monday, July 18, 2011
Month 7, Cycle Day 14...
Month 7, Cycle Day 14... if you're thinking to yourself "hey, shouldn't you be having sex instead of writing this entry," I've got 8 words for you:
"Who do you think you are, my pimp?!"
I'm just sayin'. More specifically, if you're on your grind in terms of cycle days then maybe you too have been TTC recently. BTW, hope things have worked out in your favor - clearly they haven't for me yet.
As it turns out, my sex organs are tied to my brain. UGGGHH - I hate being your stereotypical girl - tangling sex all up with emotion, but alas this is where we are. If hubby's being a douche -- for the record, I'm not saying he is... 'course, I'm not saying he's not either -- but IF he was being a total twerp then it might stand to reason that I don't feel like spreading the drumsticks, right? That's what makes this whole conception business hard. My eggs are numbered - can I afford to waste one on my bad attitude?
Let's hope that baby Brandon forgives me...
"Who do you think you are, my pimp?!"
I'm just sayin'. More specifically, if you're on your grind in terms of cycle days then maybe you too have been TTC recently. BTW, hope things have worked out in your favor - clearly they haven't for me yet.
As it turns out, my sex organs are tied to my brain. UGGGHH - I hate being your stereotypical girl - tangling sex all up with emotion, but alas this is where we are. If hubby's being a douche -- for the record, I'm not saying he is... 'course, I'm not saying he's not either -- but IF he was being a total twerp then it might stand to reason that I don't feel like spreading the drumsticks, right? That's what makes this whole conception business hard. My eggs are numbered - can I afford to waste one on my bad attitude?
Let's hope that baby Brandon forgives me...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Today's Life Lesson
I had planned to continue blogging about my baby-making woes... but in true DBooth-fashion, my frustration has shifted and in holding with my "Live YOUR truth" motto, I have to take this time to vent...
I've always seen my role in my family as the peace-maker -- the one who tries to right all the wrongs and make everyone happy. Admittedly, this has always been a pretty hard job, but I felt that it was one that I was fairly good at... until about a year ago when I mailed a letter that threw everything out of whack. As a result, I have been trying to tread lightly to avoid making matters worse ever since.
Granted, I'll be the first to say that I'm overly-sensitive. If someone I care about gets their feelings hurt, my feelings get hurt too... on their behalf. Slightly crazy, I know. But it's that sensitivity that makes me who I am, so I'm not going to apologize for it... living my truth and all that.
So now that I feel like matters have gotten out of hand, I don't know what to do. Experience has taught me to mind my own business and let these things work themselves out... but what if they don't? AARGH! I have so many other things going on that I can stress myself out about, so I'm channeling this particular frustration into today's entry.
Those of you who really know me know that I lost my grandfather last year and that I had SO much guilt about the things that I hadn't said to him and about having not seen or talked to him that often since my wedding in '08. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Fortunately there was never any animosity or hurt feelings between my Paw-Paw and me, BUT if I felt that guilty and there wasn't an outstanding issue, I can only imagine how I would feel if something happened to someone I cared about that I was mid-spat with.
Long story short, I want to remind everyone that tomorrow's not promised to any of us. If you're angry at a spouse, a loved one, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a child, a neighbor, whoever - drink some prune juice and let that Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea go. If a discussion is required - have it.. and then be done with it. Life's simply too short for such silliness.
I've always seen my role in my family as the peace-maker -- the one who tries to right all the wrongs and make everyone happy. Admittedly, this has always been a pretty hard job, but I felt that it was one that I was fairly good at... until about a year ago when I mailed a letter that threw everything out of whack. As a result, I have been trying to tread lightly to avoid making matters worse ever since.
Granted, I'll be the first to say that I'm overly-sensitive. If someone I care about gets their feelings hurt, my feelings get hurt too... on their behalf. Slightly crazy, I know. But it's that sensitivity that makes me who I am, so I'm not going to apologize for it... living my truth and all that.
So now that I feel like matters have gotten out of hand, I don't know what to do. Experience has taught me to mind my own business and let these things work themselves out... but what if they don't? AARGH! I have so many other things going on that I can stress myself out about, so I'm channeling this particular frustration into today's entry.
Those of you who really know me know that I lost my grandfather last year and that I had SO much guilt about the things that I hadn't said to him and about having not seen or talked to him that often since my wedding in '08. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Fortunately there was never any animosity or hurt feelings between my Paw-Paw and me, BUT if I felt that guilty and there wasn't an outstanding issue, I can only imagine how I would feel if something happened to someone I cared about that I was mid-spat with.
Long story short, I want to remind everyone that tomorrow's not promised to any of us. If you're angry at a spouse, a loved one, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a child, a neighbor, whoever - drink some prune juice and let that Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea go. If a discussion is required - have it.. and then be done with it. Life's simply too short for such silliness.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Let's Try This Again (umm... for like the hundredth time)
Sooooo - I have unsuccessfully been trying to maintain this blog for the last 2 or 3 years. BUT I was re-inspired earlier today, so I'm going to give it a go once again...
As I sat today thinking about how to revived this blog, I decided that I would look at this process like a corporation. What I mean is that I've decided that today - June 30th - would be the end of D-Booth's fiscal year 2011 and tomorrow will begin fiscal year 2012... a fresh start, if you will. In FY12, one of the things I want to focus on is truth... maybe that's why I could never get this blog going - because it wasn't completely about being "Inside D-Booth."
More specifically, in FY12 I want to focus on living MY truth. By "Living My Truth," I'm talking about being the best me that I can be; celebrating and embracing everything that is me and being honest with myself and the world about what that is. Per this awesome definition, a person's truth can be anything - they're gay, they're straight, they're black, they're white... whatever defines that person at that period of time.
I'm finally coming to grips with what my truth is at this point in my life and I've decided to document it. If I can keep this up, I think it'll be a healthy-like outlet for me. If I can keep it up AND make it good, maybe some publisher will read it and I'll FINALLY be the author that I think/know that I can be... with that in mind, please note that all of my written material is trademark[ed] and/or copyright[ed] by ME and me alone! lol... but I digress...
My truth, while like me is seemingly complex, can easily be narrowed down into one short sentence with three parts. It's the consideration of this truth that opens the door to a plethora of "what if's"... that's the stuff that I need to work through, as well as my truth itself as that's the part that's slowly but surely breaking me down.
All cards on the table - I have actively been trying to hide/deny my truth from every one but those in my closest of close circle of friends for the longest of times... but why?! Really, what defines me at this moment is not something that's new - I'm certainly not the first person to go through this. I think it's my innate fear of failure. If I "go public" and am not successful will people see me as a failure? Will they look at me with pity in their eyes and in their smiles? That's the crap that I can't deal with. Regardless of what happens, please don't EVER look at me like that, ok? If I've learned nothing else in this life, it's that God knows exactly what He's doing and He makes no mistakes... I believe that with all my heart.
So what's my truth? Simply put, my truth is: I'm 37, I'm married to a man that I completely adore 98% of the time AND we have been unsuccessfully trying to conceive for the last 7 months.
Not exactly a life-shattering revelation, right?! Right. But the truth of my truth is that the "unsuccessful" part of that statement is eating me up inside, so it's time to discuss... join me won't you?
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